"Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive."
Last night I forced myself to go to bed early. I love to sleep...I just don't know how. Lately I've been staying up until 2 or even 3 am when Zac isn't here. It's not a good habit, but like I told him, sometimes I just can't stop being alone. If I go to sleep, then I wake up and I'm not by myself again until the night.
It's not good though, the body requires a little bit of care to function, thus the "forcing" of myself. I dripped some lavender oil into my diffuser, got out my Bible and journal and started reading the beatitudes.
The one that caused me to stop, to write, to study and to apply was
"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God."
That's the one I needed, because lately...even though I know He is all around - I don't see Him.
Pure of Heart.
I looked it up.
Following His ways.
You can see Him now.
It's not talking about later...someday...when you're in the ground. It's now - the Light is available now when you cultivate love and kindness and forgiveness, contentment, gratefulness.
Which brings me to this post about cultivating peace. There is no peace apart from the Light. You're either in the Light or in the darkness or in a very grey area that can be very confusing. I go back and forth from Light into the grey - I'm never in the darkness because He is in me. Even at my low points I can look down at my arms and see a sparkle here and a sparkle there and know that I'm still covered, the batteries are still in there - the bulb isn't blown.
The grey though...that darn grey. My walls are painted Sherwin Williams Agreeable Grey. This space that I'm referring too is not an Agreeable Grey, or even a Revere Pewter or a Classic. It's just dull and kind of lifeless. It's that color on a plant that creeps up the stem when it's close to losing it's life.
So I journaled to figure out why it is that I have to stay up and by busy until 2 am. What am I avoiding?
And, the lesson learned is that I had some organizing and some cleaning out of thoughts. I think I was avoiding my thoughts...
I've been in a stage of "I do nothing except clean."
I've been in a stage of (no help from modern society) that I need to find "the thing" that I am and I need to do something for society.
Then I came across this little quote on Pintrest...that I'm sure I've read before. It said :
"Of all the things I'll ever do in my lifetime, Mothering my children will be my greatest accomplishment."
In the middle of diapers and sippy cups and tantrums older women will look at you, shake there head and say "enjoy it, it goes by so fast." Then, even though you know time is ticking by, you want to get to that next stage faster. Women who have made the choice not to have children will tell you that what you want is just around the corner, go ahead and pursue it now, you need to do what makes you happy too. Problem is, not being available 24/7 to nurture my kids isn't an option for my heart. It's just not.
Women who want children, but can't have them...would give anything for such a gift. They know it's the "thing."
That little pin stuck me in the heart . An "aha" moment once again in the life of Alyssa.
This is why my heart hasn't been pure. This is why I've been in the grey.
I'm where I'm suppose to be, at exactly the right time, doing exactly what I NEED to be doing - nurturing four little souls, and I don't think it's enough.
That's a shame.
Shame on society for making me feel like that.
Shame on people telling me to go ahead and go back to school - since, you know, education and money are the most important things in life. Listen here, I like both. Books and learning - love. Dinero, the perverbial "bread", and little cha ching and my waching (not sure what that is) ... I'm up for it. I could always use a little more dough.
Shame on me for believing a lie and wallowing around in "but I should be more."
How can you be more than love?
Molding secure, loved, hard working , creative individuals is the BIGGEST impact you can have on society. It's one of the best things for the soul if you do your job well. I knew this - I just forgot.
* Rabbit Trail..if you have Netflix watching the documentary The Beginning of Life...it's phenomenal.*
So I'm on my normal quest once again to be the person I need to be for myself and for my littles - a joyful present mama.
Here are a few snapshots of the ways I'm cultivating peace in my life, and if you care to share the things that brings you happiness and contentment, please do!
~ laughing with those I love
~ having empathy for the people that are in my life
~ forgiving over and over again
~ digging judgments out of my soul and replacing them with a prayer
~ voicing what I love about everything and everyone I love
~ crafting again
~ making a ribbon windchime (I told my kids that when they touch the ribbons and say a prayer or express gratitude the breeze will take it up to heaven)
~ watching the breeze dance with the leaves
~ appreciating things that are "weathered"
~ flowers, flowers, flowers and more flowers
~ stopping even when there are things to do, to enjoy a cup of tea and the outdoors
~ tea ... it really is good for the soul.
~ watching storms roll in
~ sharing the clouds with my kids
~ learning to love the way I look...supposedly I'm a masterpiece made my an awesome creative Creator. I'm embracing my new grey hair friends and lines around my eyes.
~ holding and kissing my babies whenever I can
~ trying to use the words "I love you" a lot more
~ giving the kids my camera and watching them create
Tristan said "here Finn, hug the tree and close your eyes and smile"
~ stopping to make eye contact and smile in their sweet faces
~ laughing at them. Kids LOVE for you to notice them. They know when they are bringing you joy.
~ noticing the unexpected ... gold elephant? I love the dents on this copper kettle. It's been upside down on my deck for a week, and I just can't bring myself to move it.
~ creating with the littles (wax paper and crayon rain drops)
~ filling my home with beautiful things, yet keeping it empty enough to not create head chaos
~ stopping to watch the sunset...all of it's stages...
... almost there...
... not quite...
There. Then, taking a deep breath and raising my arms up high and waving them and saying "You're fabulous God. Truly fabulous."
~ music, always soft music
Lately I've been listening to Ballet Radio on Pandora - it's so cheerful
~ taking the time to make afternoon tea for the littles, a tradition I try to keep up
...and cookies. All kids, at some point, need to have home baked cookies. I'm as healthy as the next person but one thing I just can't do is deny my kids a chocolate chip cookie or a snickerdoodle from time to time.
~ remembering the things I use to love, and doing them again
~ old movies...they bring me oodles of happiness
~ colors...lets not forget how good color is for peace. If you don't want to live in a grey world, you have to learn to mix colors.
~ doing things for others that make them feel loved
~ serving others without expectations
~ dancing in the kitchen
Trinity said "mom, how come you do crazy dances right before you are going to eat?"
I guess it's because I'm so excited to feed myself?
And some quotes for your enjoyment
"The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself."
- Maya Angelou
"When little people are overwhelmed with big emotions, it's are place to share our calm, not to join their chaos."
- L.R. Knost
"She has the soul of a gypsy, the heart of a hippie, the spirit of a fairy."
"The older I get, the more I realize the value of privacy, of cultivating your circle and only letting certain people in. You can be open, honest, and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life."
Have a lovely weekend friends