I'll be 29 in a couple of days....i know...chilling. The last year of my 20's. I could care less.
I don't feel like I'm 29. I would say (this might seem egotistical or like I have a VERY VERY large head...bowling ball size...LARGE bowling ball size) but I feel like I'm older then 29. I kind of feel like I've experienced more trauma or something than most people haha (not true, but hey...everything is relevant. Not sure what that means?) No but really, most of my friends are in their 30's and 40's and I have more kids than them and have been married more years. Married should equal "grown up." I digress.
My point being ...in a few days I will be 29 and I don't feel like it matters...except that I'm pretty sure I can expect some pretty hefty body changes and hormonal issues in the next few years. Pretty hefty.
I was cleaning out Trinity's room tonight, listening to music and sipping a glass of chardonnay and my thoughts went to what I have learned over the last year of my life. My last birthday we had been in Colorado just a couple of months and I was going through the "new place, new life" syndrome and I wasn't really sure what to make out of life...I was literally spinning and just THANK your lucky stars I didn't write a post about what i had learned. It would have been vile I tell you...vile.
This year though, I think I can tell you. I think somehow I will be able to verbalize what I've actually learned and you won't come away from my blog maimed and wishing you had spent your time and reading hours elsewhere. My mind is a bit more clear, my life in a better place.... So here it goes, for better or for worse...what I have learned in a year :
1. My life is no good without my husband. Our life can get pretty stressful ( read that as 'stressful all of the time' ) but I don't feel like "Alyssa" if I'm not with him. When I say "with" I don't just mean "beside him"...I mean connected to him, serving him, happy to sit quietly next to him or tickle him until we are both laughing and almost in tears and we roll of the couch and make out like two young love birds (I mean...we are. I'm only 29 for pity sake.) Living with someone and being connected to someone are two entirely different things....I have to be connected to Zac in every way. I'm glad that he doesn't find me needy...I'm absolutely THANKFUL he doesn't think that I'm weak because of this...I'm absolutely in love with the fact that he LOVES it and that he finds it sexy. I love my man...13 years later...more than ever.
2. Autism stinks. It still stinks and it will always stink. Every person in the world who comes up to you and says "yah, but your child is so special and different and funny. They know so many things...they are a pure delight." These people obviously don't have an autistic child and have no idea how to relate to someone who does. I feel like saying "you know what's pure delight? A breakfast with no one yelling at you because you served it 10 minutes late. A piece of FUDGE is pure delight. " Yes, all of those things are true...they have great different gifts that set them apart. But it still stinks....and I still wish deep down inside that my children would wake up one morning autism free. They won't. I know this. Nothing is awesome about your kids being separate from other kids. Nothing is awesome about your child not even having ONE friend. The word "apart" is lonely...right?! I love my littles....but I wish I could take autism away. I wish I could give them enough betonite clay baths to just suck out all of the autism...but I can't...and it still feels crappy.
3. I can do other things to try to "fulfill" me as a mother BESIDES taking care of my kids - but if ever the kids don't get the best of me...then that other things has to stop immediately. My choosing to be a mother...even though I was just out of my teens and didn't TOTALLY grasp the concept of mothering (do you ever until you actually push that baby out of ya?) was my decision and it should come first before anything else...before me. I have a lot of people who would tell me differently - just the other day I was talking to a woman in the park who told me that she works and her husband is a stay at home father because she just wasn't fulfilled being a stay at home mom. I don't think that's bad...I just think that if mothers are going to do both...whether it be a hobby or a job...that they had better make darn sure their family is still first. Darn sure. I would like to add that it doesn't always seem fair to stay home all day cleaning up after mostly ungrateful people. I have tried to get into several different hobbies over the last year. Each time, I enjoy myself but I start taking it too far... where I actually get frustrated at my kids for needing me WHILE I'm doing my hobby or writing or exercising. It makes me rethink my priorities. Should my kids...little bitty kids...need me to get them a drink? Yes. Should my little itty bitty kids need me to help them with social issues. Yes. Should I get annoyed that they want me to do my job? No. Problem solved...I will paint when they are older...when I have those hefty body issues and hormonal changes.
4. I love Jesus so much. I didn't think I did for a while ...at least I thought maybe I didn't need him. Maybe I was just mad at Him? It doesn't matter - David screamed and cried at God through the entire Psalms and I'm SURE had a little bit too much wine...And God didn't turn his back on David. God loves me, and I Him. Period.
5. I have lots and lots of dreams and really hope they come true...still. They seem a little unrealistic, but I'm learning that that's okay. It's okay for me to want chickens...it's okay for me to want to write someday...maybe it will happen.
6. Having a little girl scares me. I love love love it...I love love love her. It's scary though ... and I worry about her. I'm so glad that we named her Trinity...hopefully she will come to know that she has the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit available to her ALL of the time. Hopefully she will know that she is never alone.
7. Autism stinks and it's okay that I feel that way. Oh...I already said that?
8. There are some days that I feel like my family needs me too much and no one else needs me at all. Being a stay at home mom with special needs kids can be very isolating...yet crazy busy in a different type of crazy that really can't be shared.
9. I still wish I lived in a commune, pretty much naked...with daisies in my hair ...eating hummus and watching my barefoot children dance to the sound of my dulcimer (that I don't currently play.) Like I said, dreams can be fun. Maybe it will come true?!
10. Alyssa Spring is a pretty cool name and my parents are awesome for giving it to me. I learned that that this year after hearing some pretty lame 29 year old and older names.
There is my long uninspiring list. Tomorrow my husband is taking me to Evergreen for breakfast and a birthday hike, and we will be lovers in the beautiful green mountains. Then we will go to my nephew Peter's 19th birthday (Pete and I are almost exactly 10 years apart...very strange and that makes me actually feel like I'm a baby) and enjoy family time and alpaca love.
Happy Birthday Alyssa Spring...you are loved. ;)