In the Quiet...

In the quiet, I walk from room to room, picking up little shirts...a mismatched pair of socks, a book, a small stuff animal...

I feel my babies.

I smell them.

I walk outside, barefoot...checking on him working in the garden.

I pass under the tree that just a month ago was covered in blooms, and i look up. 

My eyes shine and a smile spreads across my face when I discover a small fruit.

A crabapple. 

My mind goes back to one of the happiest times of my life, the summer my grandpa was near me and spent a few days at my house with , then, just me and my two diapered babies. We made crabapple butter together and took long drives through the country. He made me stop the car so he could pick me wildflowers. 

I thank God for this surprise...that I would find a house, in the middle of winter, that secretly would hold a beautiful reminder of a light filled memory. 

I keep walking.

The sun is slipping down, it's shining through the pine trees at the far end of the yard. I look at our "center tree" heavy with little berries. I don't know what they are, but they are beautiful. 

Then I find him, laying there, a man content.

I smile.

It's a beautiful moment and I have my camera. 

It's a love moment...where every second of the minute is full of only good.

The sky is glowing with color. 

My heart is full.

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* The next morning while I was gone for groceries my little squirrel and her great big dad surprised me with my garden gate - exactly how I had pictured it. Zac had the idea to cut out a heart for the gate handle, so little miss drew it on...the perfect non symmetrical heart ... and he cut it out. I'm still not sure which cheery color to paint it - a light blue or bright yellow? Green? *

When I'm Home

When I'm home...

...I'm beneath a tree, staring up, watching soft milky clouds float across a blue lake , dipping and dappling and playing in light.

When I'm at home I'm caressing the smooth bark, skimming my hands across the rough knots - feeling the bumps and the black dots and twisty branches and I'm loving all of it. Bird song, fragrant sap, warm sunlight-baked wood - bring my senses home.

When I'm at home I have eyes for my handsome boys, their quirks, their challenges, their minds and their souls - I notice each piece and I love the puzzle of men. I'm at home here, in the chaos and in the strength, in the longing, in the lust...I ride their life beside them, through the roller coaster twists, up the incline and screaming down the decent, happy and scared and my hair flying and my eyes big...sometimes tightly closed - I'm strapped in for good. I'm at home here. 

Tucked in his big arms, wrapped around me, his head resting on mine ... my fingers tiptoeing up his arm, feeling the soft hairs, listening to his breath...I'm at home here. 

Watching her run, watching her laugh - the little gap between her front teeth, her giggle - I'm at home here. Her concentration, her dedication to a project, her creative soul - I'm at home here.

At home I'm surround my so many blessings - big windows, art made by masters and art made by me. I'm surrounded by books ... novels and quotes and poetry ... little pages stapled together and adorned with rainbows and flowers. I'm at home in this written magical world of realism and fiction and dreaming and wisdom. I lose myself in this spot of my home. 

Nothing can bring someone home as much as the smell and taste of food. Familiar food, old recipes, foreign flavors... new. The first time I tasted curry I literally thought  "this flavor should be a part of me." I'm happy to report ... it is. That and green tea, fig butter, dates and hummus. 

I think some people feel overwhelmed with the option, that they, can develop their homes - the spirit, the song, the atmosphere, the flavor, the overall picture. 

 I see it as one of my greatest privileges. Granted, I often feel unqualified, or maybe wrong for choosing something different...in the end, it's a space that I've dedicated my life to making wonderful. Now that's something...dedicating your life to making many little parts one single beautiful space, for you and your loved ones' souls. 

That's a job. 

Home is where I can choose to fly. Behind this door, I'm a dancer, I'm a runner, I'm a vegan chef. I'm a writer, a singer...a holistic therapist, a therapist in general. I'm a creative genius, I'm an essential oil diffusing maniac, I'm a sweat pant lounger and a barefoot skirt wearing enthusiast, I'm the flower child that is deep in my soul ... I can be what I want to be. I can be "Her" - that great elusive "Me." 

I can give myself grace, an understanding heart and a listening ear for my mind - I can dive in as deep as I want or take a step back and feel fear for a moment. At home, you can feel.

Last week I ran five miles. I pushed myself. I accomplished my goal and it felt amazing.

Today, I started to run, I got half a mile in and wasn't feeling it at all. My heart said "you are in a creative space, a quiet music, picture taking, writing space." My mind answered back "no, if you push yourself you'll be happy later. You'll be uncomfortable but you can persevere."

 So my mind and heart kept wrestling  with each other ... one an advocate for quiet and one for perseverance. Then this voice spoke, drowning out either one. It said "you know, you can give yourself grace. You don't have to be the "pusher Alyssa" today. You can say 'I will treat myself with creativity today.' Nobody is watching you, no one cares if you run 45 minutes or 15 minutes, you can 'roll with it'." 

 Then I did something extraordinary. I looked down at the red blinking light that read "15:00" and I turned the machine off. I hopped off the treadmill and walked, head held high, out of that basement. 

 I didn't feel "less" or as I had failed myself. I just soaked up the grace and the "rolling with it" spirit and moved on to what my soul craved...soft music, watching my child do a puzzle, editing photos...tea. 

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” 
― John Lubbock, The Use Of Life

“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.” 
― Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match

Home is my place to love my children. The other day, I sat on my floor, cross legged...soft instrumental music playing...I had been trying to connect my heart with God's. You know those times when you seem so alone....and you struggle for days and days, walking around in grey? Well, maybe you don't. I do though. I always know, that this is a time that i have to get quiet or die. That's my motto - " quiet or die."

 I'm pretty sure that soul death is just about the worst thing that can happen to man. When you live in a world full of children, as most mother's know...it can be hard to connect to others, to yourself...to God. There is generally a HUGE absence of silence.

 It's pretty easy in a chaotic world full of sadness and demands to let it happen - to focus on education and physical fitness and healthy eating...but neglect the soul - it can be easy to do. 

Note :

*I was stage 2 of soul death. I have been at stage 8 and ,let me say, I've learned to recognize its signs early because stage 8 is not a place you want to live...ever. I think we all have different signs ... and you can only learn yours by being honest with your soul. Taking care of your soul can be a fluid process but sometimes it's abrupt and sharp and painful. Either way, soul care has to be done for sanity and most of all...security. Soul care has to be done for growth.*

  So there I was, on my bedroom floor, lavender scent flowing around me, me saying over and over to God "if anything is in me that is not of You, throw it out." I kept this mantra up until tears were flowing and dripping and I kept saying it "if anything is in me that is not of You, throw it out." I said this at least 50 times (this is how I often meditate.) I opened my eyes and as soon as the light hit them a voice said "be a missionary to those kids." 

It connected. I'm here, on this world right now, to love on these little beauties. I don't view "missionary" as "indoctrinating" my kids. Rather, to show them love as He is love through the quiet moments, through the hard moments, through the walks in the woods and the rolling down the hills and while baking chocolate cakes. To point my kids to Light, but for it to be in me. When my body needs to stop and be filled to say "Absolutely, I have grace for you." This is what I am. I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a soul with an ever changing body and mind - I'm a human being. This is my field...my meadow.

Home 

Watching them stretch, watching them sip smoothies ... colors in the window.

Home

Soft pillows, lemon balm and peppermint, candles and music.

Home

Curry and Cake and Sweet Fruit, as much pasta as I want.

Home

Cool breezes, hawk soaring, squirrel playing, robin chirping

Home

Grace, mercy, kindness, patience, growing, being intentional

All of this, all of these... when I'm home.

Favoritas ~ Sunday Edition

Love #1

For some people this may sound like the most disgusting breakfast ever. 

For me, it is pure heaven. It's completely satisfying on every level.

It goes something like this ... brace yourselves for the complexity :

Toast some bread, smash a quarter of an avacado on each piece of bread.

Sprinkle with Himalayan sea salt.

Slice a cucumber.

Be filled.

Love #2

My cabinet color is speaking to me. When we moved into our house I had  my mind set on a white farmhouse kitchen. After inspecting our cabinets, realizing that we would need to paint them instead of replace them, and then noting the level of filth on our children's hands ... we came up with a new plan. Story Goes :

 I was browsing pinterest for inspiration - thinking maybe I should go the grey route ... and came across a navy kitchen with white quartz counter tops. I physically felt a  flip flop on my insides. My heart signaled my brain to take notice of what was beginning to become ... a blue love obsession. The two became united , heart and mind , and they never turned back. They were all in.

I chose Indigo Batik by Sherwin Williams ... and I think it's groovy.

Love #3

My little Bug is fascinating me ... for no particular reason.

I'm just obsessed with him.

Call it love.

Love # 4 

First let me say that I have always heard the marvels of Trader Joes. I have actually visited one two previous times ...once in Atlanta where all I can remember is a beehive sensation and feeling like I needed to run out of the building. My second experience was downtown Denver, a week after Joe came to town. This time I became part of a real life ant bed , it was me against the hipsters -  I did leave my buggy...almost my kids...and ran out. 

Then, one magical mystical Monday morning, my Brady Bunches and I made one last attempt at a Trader Joe's friendship ... and we were not disappointed. The parking lot was half empty ... I questioned the environmental safety of the place. My mind then went to the crappy produce...that must be why there weren't that many cars in the lot. With a deep breath, arm and arm...a reusable grocery bag in hand ... Brady and I crossed the threshold into affordable organic land. It was amazing - and for the 78th time since moving a month ago ... I knew we had found a pretty fantastic city ... or a naive one. Why weren't they all there...clustering about the dried mango and sprouted bread?

So Love # 4 really has two parts ... the first being Trader Joe himself, the second being these amazingly scrumptious voluptuous navel oranges - all sunny on the outside and juicy pink on the inside. They are delicious - I eat three a day.

Love # 5

I'm digging Brady in his Legends of Zelda attire. He is getting taller, meaning the green shirt is getting shorter and his white tights are stretched to max capacity. It brings such a happy brain laugh , a natural high , a moment of pure pleasure ... to see my little elfin kid sitting at the table studiously doing his math ... as if he were in a pair of jeans and a polo. It's perfection.

The botanical prints on the wall aren't half bad either if I do so say myself.

Love # 6 

Three words :

Antique Shopping Mall

Two Words :

Mason Jars

One Number :

3 bucks

I think that about covers it.

Love #7 

I happened upon a 90% off Christmas wares at World Market and came away with theses adorable plates and a felted fairy. I do love some woodland wonderland charm about the place.

Love #8 

It's really a freak think.

Eggplant Nacho sauce. I'm not joking.

So, I rarely crave cheese (look up rape cage in the dairy industry and it does a mind ill ... over time a body good) I do however love me some salty corn chips with dip. 

After a little investigation searching for a healthy creamy option that did NOT call for cashews (creaminess and soaked cashews are kind of a "couple" in vegan land )I came across this amazing recipe that uses eggplant. Intriguing.

My first attempt was partially successful ... I don't think I let the eggplant roast long enough and also I don't believe the recipe called for salt ... which is a mistake. I think I may have upped the nutritional yeast too.

My second attempt was perfect. It was delicious. I think it tastes pretty similar to nacho's but better because it's real food. 

Lastly... #9

... a regular train of applesauce bran muffins riding along my new barn wood counter top island ...

a match made in heaven.

Hungry kids welcome.

Do you have favorites from this past week?

Happy Sunday beloved friends.

Favorite Things ~ Tuesday Edition

“After all," Anne had said to Marilla once, "I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.” 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

I love beautiful spaces. I love beautiful products. I'm an art lover, a rock collector, a "branches all around me" type person. I love scents (sandalwood and cedar and old books.) I love light ... soft morning light, bright sunny lunch light, dim end of the day light. 

I love products that our nourishing, have pretty packaging and real ingredients. I love clothes with prints and textures and jewelry made with love. 

Here are a few of my favorites from this past week. 

... deer tracks in the snow

... little aspen tress

... a tiny moon sun catcher 

... our front window

... rainbows on walls.

... joyful children counting the multicolored "spots"

... free beauty

... a thrifted bowl

... pottery

... rough and smooth

... handmade

~ I'm loving the speckles and the rust , so earthy ~

... two dollar thrifted "Thinker"

~ maybe some of his thinking will rub off on me? Either way, I feel smarter just looking at him ~

He's a perfect keepsake for our "library"

... these GORGEOUS prints that I found on Amazon. I think they are about 5 dollars each and fit a poster frame perfectly ... I'm waiting until next month to get the sea plant print ... and then the bugs...and then the birds ... and then....

... this ninja face (not for sale, I have the only original.)

... pretend play (can I get an amen?)

... dimpled fingers and rosy cheeks.

... I'm loving the new Burt's Bees tinted lip balm, and learning to love the 

new lines around my mouth .

The color I'm trying is Zinnia. I'm not a lipstick girl ... I find that just a bit of this and some mascara is a great "go to the store" look for me. I appreciate being able to see my real face ... most days.

... earrings

... trees

I wanted to introduce my readers to a lovely little etsy shop. I've ordered from them at least 10 times, a couple things for myself but mostly gifts. Everyone that I've given earrings to have raved about them ... they are very lightweight weight and excellent quality. Also, when you buy handmade not only are you supporting small local business,you also are getting a one of a kind product. It's nice to be original. I love their fast shipping and cute packaging.

... textures

... little boys in sweaters

...thrifted pancho 

Is there anything better then long sleeves and hoods on a little boy? I think not.

... thrifted turtleneck sweater dress

... ponytails

... little ears rocking fantastic gems (same shop I shared)

shhhh - I really just took this picture to document the little fairy kiss on the inside of her ear. See it?

...A little woman that reads Little Women

... comfy couch

... big blue eyes full of light and dreaming

What are some of your favorites from the past week ... moments, treasures, people?

May you surround yourself with beauty...

Happy Tuesday Friends

P.S. Also, if you have time, this post has been circulating around Facebook. It touched my soul in a very big way. It is a great read. 

Grace...and Happy Earth Day!

 Funny how different our days can be. For mothers, funny how different our minutes can  be. One moment the house is sparkling clean, a second later there is a sink full of dirty dishes and sticky peanut butter hand prints on the wall. One minutes we are giggling at the rise and fall of little voices, the next instant we are pounding our heads against the wall because the noise just won't stop!!! (you know what I'm talking about...when you feel like being put into a straight jacket would be pure relief.)
 One day is full of sunshine, the next rain. One meal is beautifully prepared with all sorts of good herbs and wholesomeness and "minced this" and "sauteed that", the next dinner is picked up through a drive thru window. The pee sheets are washed, another accident happens. The fridge is full, the fridge is empty. One day we are up to our eyeballs in company, the next week is full of isolation. Moments - always changing. Always compared to other moments - lots of guilt.
 It's pretty easy to feel conflicted. Am I a good mom? Am I a patient mom or a crazy person? Am I a playful mom or a lazy mom? Am I healthy and intentional with my decisions, or do I fly by the seat of my pants, throw caution to the wind and hope for the best outcome? One moment we are walkign through the house, enjoying the coolness of the hardwood floors on bare feet, the next instant we are writhing in pain from stubbing our big toe on the couch! Are my hormones balanced because this week I feel good and last week was just awful...am I a hypocrite because this week I have no bad feeling about anyone but last week I was so hurt by someone's words that I wanted to hide in a hole and not come out until that person moves to Europe.

What if I told you I think that everyone is a little bit of everything? How about if the truth came out and even the crunchiest of granola mom's admitted that they don't have everything figured out...they are just doing their best? What if I told you that the working mom who has to leave her littles all day to give back to the community or bring in a paycheck and doesn't have time to serve a four course meal is also doing her best? What if I told you, that just because there is a day that we throw caution to the wind, doesn't mean that we are unintentional about life, that when we have to splurge on an expensive water filter doesn't mean that we have lost all frugality.  If we don't do the three step skincare routine one night it doesn't mean that we are giving up on ourselves, if we go a week without taking a walk it doesn't mean that we are unconcerned about our health. What if just maybe not every single decision is a death sentence to our character or to our lives or our children's lives or our morals?

 What if I told you that none of us are perfect - but we all share something in common?

 We all need grace for each other. 

We all need fellow moms to have our backs, to say "you are such a good mom, dirty dishes or not. You care about your kids and the Father cares about you." What if we could all quite comparing and have grace and love for ourselves that our children could see that it's simply "ok." What if we could stop listening to other or reading about others and saying "I don't agree with this point you are making" and instead say "wow, you are doing such a good job right where you are, caring about those you love, caring for yourself - good job mama!" (I mean, do we really want to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable just to be bashed and told 'I don't agree?' I sure don't.)

What if we could read blogs and realize that the pictures in them are just small glimpses of a very complicated life...that the people in the photos have runny noses sometimes, are impatient, have frequent bouts of heartburn ... the flowers aren't always blooming in the garden, the sun isn't always setting perfectly in the horizon, the view isn't always scenic, and not every single night of someones entire life is spent snuggled up on a couch under a grandmother's handmade quilt?

 What if I told you that sometimes life is very very good and beauty can't help but to be seen? But what if I told you that sometimes life can be very very ugly and we have to search for the good in the situation, in the person?

What if I told you that everyone in this entire world needs unconditional love? What if I told you that everyone in the world needs words of kindness, a helping hand, anonymous charity, a listening ear, grace to start over, mercy, forgiveness?

What if I told you that we can give it. We can't be everything to everyone, but we can be love to the one next to us, the one reading our words, the one watching our videos, the one far away that needs a few bucks to make ends meet. We can be love because God loves us.

 We all have dreams, we have wishes, desires, longings. We feel broken at times, pulled apart by demands. Sometimes we are so put together we can conquer the world (tackle play dates, go to the grocery store with ALL of the kids, can several quarts of apple butter...in my case make bone broth as a vegetarian.) We have different roads to travel, different pasts to work through, lots of futures ahead of us. But what we all need, all of the time, is grace for others and ourselves.

~ * Alyssa Spring *~

P.S. Happy Earth Day - we live on an amazing planet that was created especially for us, lets be conscious of how we treat it...try to take care of the gift. :) 

I Love

“what if we intentionally make the most of every day we receive?” 
― Kim Cash Tate, Hidden Blessings

I called and I called for her and there was no answer...

 ... my squirrel had found a tree to rest in. 

I couldn't think of a better use for a tree-house. It's rare to find my children asleep in the middle of the day, I love the privilege of being able to see sleeping children. There is nothing sweeter then a rested soul. 

I love visiting the rooms of our little house, finding other little houses full of other little lives. 

I love spotting signs of imagination. 

I love walking outside and finding a new flower...one that I didn't plant...in full bloom in my very own backyard. Anyone know what kind this is? I love flowers but sadly haven't been properly introduced to most of them. 

I love finding new uses for old things. 

I love remembering that I am crafty. I love pretending that I'm a newlywed and making myself a wedding gift in an afternoon. This one just needs a frame...

I love figuring things out. I love accenting words in gold. I love my kids coming up and saying "oh wow, you are such a good painter! Will you give me lessons?" My littles always making me feel talented in my simple creations - as if I could "charge" them for formal lessons. I simply say "I will show you what I know" for that's the best any of us can do for another isn't it? 

I love coming across an old photo and realizing that all of those long days at home, isolated with my four little kids,  when I felt/feel like I couldn't keep up and longed for an adult conversation - I was never alone. Instead, I was blessed tremendously.