Hello Joy, I knew you were there.
Just around the corner as you always are, again and again.
I knew you were there, all along - standing beside me, waiting.
You are so patient.
The light which puts out our eyes is darkness to us. Only that day dawns to which we are awake. There is more day to dawn. The sun is but a morning star.
- Henry David Thoreau
I'm not a sad person. I'm a person that is full of joy and light.
That is the truth.
I have dark moments - that is reality for us all.
Maybe, supposedly, I have something that makes those moments a little more overwhelming. My choice though is to learn how to walk through them. I appreciate so much my dear friends and all of your sweet encouraging words - but I would like to express that I'm not a depressed person. I have moments of depression - but my valley isn't pitch black. There is always a soft glow hovering over me, there is always a voice that says "I love you" and "come back to me soon, I will be here."
That is Him. That is Love.
It's a bit of a hike sometimes, getting back. It takes effort. But it's manageable and I'm learning how to manage it. When I write here, in this safe space, it's so that I can breathe. So that I can feel what is actually going on inside of me. Writing is my therapy, reading is my medicine. Please don't be concerned that my next step is jumping off a cliff - the writing is part of my healing.
It always brings me back to Joy.
It is hard sometimes for others to read vulnerability - especially those with compassionate souls.
The hard time that I eluded to in my last post, the loss, seems to have been restored.
It's been a roller coaster ride,
but in the end,
it seems that prayers have been heard and Love has won.
For that, I'm extremely thankful and have so much gratitude.
I had the stomach bug for a few days - I think the last time I was that sick was several years ago. It's interesting how a time of no food and sickness forces the body to rest. After the sickness haze lifted, my eyes seemed to see. I think it's what I needed. I think the "bug" was a gift to me because it gave me time to just think about everything that had taken place in the last few weeks, sort through the disaster of my mind, grieve and then come back to a place of thankfulness for what I have.
I think I may see the importance of fasting. It really does quiet the body.
I would say that for a little while I wasn't living in a place of gratitude. I looked around our little place and started really obsessing about what needed to be done - the chores, the projects, the windows, the floors, the fireplace redo. I thought about all that I wanted to give my children - gymnastics and violin lessons and more friends. I thought about what I wanted for me - travel and change and art and alone time with my husband and different foods besides my own.
Then that period of loss, watching someone else's hurt that I couldn't change for them, the valley - then the time of forced rest.
The light entered and this is what I saw :
All five of beautiful them.
The hot summer air was stifling my house, I went around opening windows - sat on my bed. This cool breeze filtered though the screen and my curtains fluttered and I saw them.
The floors didn't matter anymore because I have a floor.
The fireplace doesn't matter anymore because I have warmth.
The lessons and friends and all of it would be good - but what we have is something special. What I can give them is something special, something unique.
That night I looked in my husbands eyes and I said "I'm scared."
He looked at me and said "I promise you, I will always be here."
The relief poured in and that glow that had just been hovering filled me and I left the valley.
I have everything I could ever want.
Today it is going to rain. I'm drinking gallons of water. My husband is outside mowing, trying so hard to get my garden, my dream, ready for me. My kids are playing and eating cinnamon rolls that I finally made. It may not be a perfect day, but love lives here.
Joy always comes back when you are open. Joy always returns when you look beyond yourself. Joy always returns when you take time to learn the truth. Joy always returns when you show gratitude. Joy always returns when you are kind. Joy always returns when you are gentle with yourself. Joy always returns because He is always there.