There I was with a blue Solo cup (decided against red for posterity sake) and a partial bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. It wasn't a pleasant time.
The taste was smooth, the teeth stained slightly red ... not permanently. The feeling wasn't good though. It was a cover up - not an adequate one.
I just felt pain - just pain. You know...the deep breathing kind. The nauseous kind. The kind where you don't sleep and you write. Just pain.
Honestly it hasn't made sense. My life is beautiful. There is tea, there are songs, there are afternoons spent looking at clouds (I mean...really?), there are homemade dinners and freshly painted bathrooms. How bad can it be?
Some day I will understand that just because you have a good life doesn't mean you have a pain free life. That is true. All fairytales have trials.
But there is pain right now inside of me that can't be identified.
I hurt. I hurt all of the time. Not because of the life that I have but for some other reason - some other reason that doesn't make sense.
Is it normal to watch the tv and see adults laughing together on a beach and cheering to something trivial and feel sad? Is it normal to put a load of laundry in the dryer and watch it tumble and wish you could be in there, going round and round and just tumbling and washing and drying your mind out? My mind could use a wash...a long warm bubbly spinning wash.
Is it fair to have beautiful moments on a blue bench...butterflies navigating their way through your lush yard and a five year old clanking their tea cup against yours and saying "cheers" and then feel happiness and then a dart of sadness?It is for me.
It always happens. Tragically when it shouldn't and for no reason at all. How can a lover of light be so haunted?
The pain spreads and spreads and fills and fills and it doesn't stop. The sun is shining bright, too bright for my soul that I squint, I shut my eyes - to cover up my heart with some kind of drape and say "go away, you are too much for me today. I feel too much with you around." The truth is, lately...the sun makes me cry. It is just too lovely. Why does beauty hurt sometimes? Is it because we so desperately need it to flower inside of us and there are just too many dead spots for it to happen right now? Is it because the beauty is the opposite of us? Or is it because it IS us and we can't get back there? I think it's because it's me and that's where I belong...in the gorgeousness. In the light. In the blue sky. In the bird song and in the sticky grass and in the child's smile. I belong there.
I'm sad. I guess there is reason for it. I can't fully explain it here, it is too private. The details aren't mine to share. But there is loss. There are certain types of smiles that can be no more...because, you see, their "normal" has ended. Not mine - but theirs. There is nothing I can do for them...and it hurts so much. I wish I could help. I wish it wasn't this way.
Then there is the horrific tragedy that rocked our world a couple days ago and all those beautiful souls lost.
I love them so much. I have never met them or even given them a thought until it happened - but I am heartbroken for their families. As for "them" - it is unfair. Lives lost so tragically. Lives lost so young. But what I know is this - they are there in the spiritual realm so free and flying. They are their fullest selves with the One that loves them most. I am happy for that.
I'm not sure how the slump will end. I know it will as it always does. The "depths of despair" come and go in my life frequently. There generally is no real true reason for the depths to be as low as they are - but for me, they are as pitch black as I could ever imagine. My imagination is not something to be laughed at - it is as vivid as they come. Motion Pictures could make a bundle off of my thoughts.
Soon, my gaze up from that blue bench into the aspen leaves will be only light...and I will "cheers" with only joy. Until then, I will sip my cabernet from a solo cup because that is as good as it gets for me. I probably won't shower, and I will eat too many pretzels. That is okay. I fought against it being okay...but a couple weeks later, acceptance is all I can muster.
The loss is unbearable for now, the change is too much for my unbalanced mind. The love is there though...the gratitude doesn't leave.
Because of that I truly know that Joy Will Come in the Morning.
Until then, I will watch the night sky slip away into a pink dawn and I will forget that I didn't sleep.
I will replace the cabernet with black coffee and I will toast bagels for the four little souls that depend so much on their mama.