My old site Longing for Simplicity is still up, just not running. I'm keeping that blog alive because it holds to much of my past, my treasured memories. It shows my family growing from one little two month old baby to four lovely littles - I discovered myself through that blog and it was always a place of joy for me, a place that was just mine where I could write about all that I had been learning and loving, where I could hash out the many twists and changes my life has brought me over the last 8 years.
Autism isn't simple...not one part of it is. Finding out Brady had autism shook my world, and then after our third child also being diagnosed with autism I kind of just fell apart...slowly. I know, how does one fall apart slowly? They just do. Day after day, having an ideal for your day and it not happening, you go to sleep thinking "I can't accomplish what I wanted to, I wasn't the person I wanted to be...I will try again tomorrow." Then, trying again tomorrow and the same horrible things happening, again and again..being trampled on a daily basis - my son not being able to feel empathy for me or others...I became completely defeated.
I never gave up on my family...but I did doubt the core of my beliefs...from my love of my Creator (I doubted Him and His plan for my life as a mother) to how I nourish my family physically and emotionally and spiritually...I doubted my creativity and my talents...my love of herbs never went away but I wasn't pursuing them. I stopped crafting - I think I just had to disappear, to reach rock bottom and rediscover myself - and my new life.
Nothing about my life is simple - morning time, lunchtime, dinnertime and bedtime - it's all a mes. So to daily open up a blog where I am vulnerable under the title "Longing for Simplicity" ...well, it's time I quit longing. It's time that I begin again with what I have.
Over the last few weeks I have felt God holding me. It's been a long time since I've felt that way...generally I just sit there and scream "WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!" I never heard an answer...I never felt an answer - I didn't really understand I still don't completely.
One day I was looking at my daughter and her little face wasn't very happy...I had been noticing that she had been changing. Trinity has always had a very joyful spirit her whole life - and what I noticed on this particular day is that she was feeding off of me. The light in her eyes was gone, because it had disappeared in my own. Children reflect what they see - and what was in me...in the core of me, was anger, sadness, disappointment and loss.
So, I started to think. I started to remember. The only difference between now...and the time when I was at my "peak " (you know...the most awesome time of your life?) was that, besides a world of hurt I had never imagined, was that I no longer was pursuing His Love.
He was never gone...but I needed to push a bit I guess. Maybe I needed to run, I did and for the most part it was miserable. Looking at the inside of me MOST of what I was wasn't good, it wasn't joyful and patient and kind. It was horrible.
That's why I have this blog...I'm going to work daily to put light in my children's eyes, to give them the sweet days they so deserve...and so do I. Trinity is doing better...she has been full of laughter and has started a new hobby of cutting out paperdolls that I (cringe) allow her to tape all over her room. She asked me to be "happy more" - So I am. I'm making it my priority.
So...there's the introduction - now on to the good stuff.
Have a lovely Monday....