Monday, August 5, 2013

A New Day...In the Same Life

  The days are passing by quickly in our little home...some days long and hot and very unstructured...with bread and cheese and fruit dinners - some days with more rhythm and creativity....but each day my littles are growing and changing and becoming more and more a part of me.
 My old site Longing for Simplicity is still up, just not running. I'm keeping that blog alive because it holds to much of my past, my treasured memories. It shows my family growing from one little two month old baby to four lovely littles - I discovered myself through that blog and it was always a place of joy for me, a place that was just mine where I could write about all that I had been learning and loving, where I could hash out the many twists and changes my life has brought me over the last 8 years.
  But, the truth is...I can't visit there anymore. I can't open that "old" space without feeling a tremendous about of joy that in some indescribable very painful. I began that blog when Brady was just a baby, and I had one set of dreams of how my life would he would be.  I knew what path I wanted to be on and I honestly thought I knew how I was going to get there. I named my blog Longing for Simplicity because what I wanted my life to be simple and wholesome - keeping my kids close to me, healing naturally, I had visions of living somewhat "off the grid" and having this awesome sweet family connection.
 Autism isn't simple...not one part of it is. Finding out Brady had autism shook my world, and then after our third child also being diagnosed with autism I kind of just fell apart...slowly. I know, how does one fall apart slowly? They just do. Day after day, having an ideal for your day and it not happening, you go to sleep thinking "I can't accomplish what I wanted to, I wasn't the person I wanted to be...I will try again tomorrow." Then, trying again tomorrow and the same horrible things happening, again and again..being trampled on a daily basis - my son not being able to feel empathy for me or others...I became completely defeated.
 I never gave up on my family...but I did doubt the core of my beliefs...from my love of my Creator (I doubted Him and His plan for my life as a mother) to how I nourish my family physically and emotionally and spiritually...I doubted my creativity and my love of herbs never went away but I wasn't pursuing them. I stopped crafting - I think I just had to disappear, to reach rock bottom and rediscover myself - and my new life.
  Nothing about my life is simple - morning time, lunchtime, dinnertime and bedtime - it's all a mes. So to daily open up a blog where I am vulnerable under the title "Longing for Simplicity" ...well, it's time I quit longing. It's time that I begin again with what I have.
 Over the last few weeks I have felt God holding me. It's been a long time since I've felt that way...generally I just sit there and scream "WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!" I never heard an answer...I never felt an answer - I didn't really understand I still don't completely.
 One day I was looking at my daughter and her little face wasn't very happy...I had been noticing that she had been changing. Trinity has always had a very joyful spirit her whole life - and what I noticed on this particular day is that she was feeding off of me. The light in her eyes was gone, because it had disappeared in my own. Children reflect what they see - and what was in the core of me, was anger, sadness, disappointment and loss.
 So, I started to think. I started to remember. The only difference between now...and the time when I was at my "peak " (you know...the most awesome time of your life?) was that, besides a world of hurt I had never imagined, was that I no longer was pursuing His Love.
 He was never gone...but I needed to push a bit I guess. Maybe I needed to run, I did and for the most part it was miserable. Looking at the inside of me MOST of what I was wasn't good, it wasn't joyful and patient and kind. It was horrible.
  I'm craving my heavenly father again. It's the only way I will ever survive this life - is the hope that only He can bring me. Others have completely failed me. I have failed myself - He has not. It's not His fault that I have kids with autism, or that we had to live on food stamps for a year and foreclose on our lovely little home, or that I moved super far from all of my friends and have never known such horrible loneliness. It's not his fault that my grandparents died or that my baby brother has known such horrific pain or that my family lives so far away I can't even call them on most days - and if I could there wouldn't be much to say because I don't entirely know them anymore. It's not His fault. The BAD is not his fault. He didn't create the bad. But He will walk with me, and He will take care of my babies, and He will keep Zac and my marriage thriving. He will be my hope because I have no other.
 That's why I have this blog...I'm going to work daily to put light in my children's eyes, to give them the sweet days they so deserve...and so do I. Trinity is doing better...she has been full of laughter and has started a new hobby of cutting out paperdolls that I (cringe) allow her to tape all over her room. She asked me to be "happy more" - So I am. I'm making it my priority.
  So...there's the introduction - now on to the good stuff.
 ... a lovely little thrift store find. Yes, that is yellow leather edged with studs. Be still my heart. To the side I have a Goodwill  basket and I kept looking at those long branches you can buy at hobby lobby and then thought "well heck, I'll just spray paint some limbs that are lying in my back yard." And I did and I love them. Easy peasy idea - and cheap.
  I've taken up painting's my new hobby and some day...just maybe someday I can take lessons. I did the one of the aspens by watching a youtube tutorial...
  And then I painted this barn...also by watching a tutorial. The Internet is a wondrous thing.
   Zac and I were able to talk with a "financial person" and found out  that we will probably need to rent for two more years before looking for our "house of dreams." Rather disappointing for me just because I would love to feel where I am is where I'm gonna stay. But it's not instead of LONGING I'm just making this place more homey. We found this old entertainment cabinet and Zac primed it, painted it and then let me do the fun job of tearing it up with sandpaper. So, there are the changes around the house...I will be sharing more later - but this post has gotten rather lengthy and littles are needing their I'm off for now.
 Have a lovely Monday....
~ Alyssa

1 comment:

  1. Thank you sharing your heart, and being encouraging. I am single, never married, no kids and with plenty of deferred dreams of my own... some of my own making, and it is good to be reminded of the struggles (and victories) of others.

    -I know Andy from church