Monday, December 16, 2013

I love you

Bear with me.

My son is turning 8 in a couple of days. My beautiful blue eyed boy...with all of his freckles and curiosity and energy and love of Pokemon...he is going to be 8.

I rejoice that my baby has good health. I am happy that he is safe...that he is happy (I guess?) that he has a room of his own and legos. I'm happy that he gets his breakfast at 8 am ...if there were a nuclear attack Brady would make sure that he had his breakfast...amidst the fire and flames and terror...he would have his 8 o'clock breakfast. I'm also glad that he enjoys his 3 pm snack and his 6 pm dinner (as long as I am serving what he likes...if not he doesn't eat it and no one is worse for the wear.)

However, tonight I'm deeply sad.

"Goodnight Brady" I whispered...searching his face. He stared at the wall and raised his eyebrows "oh " he muttered and then made a noise, deep in his throat. "I love you" I said. He nodded and made the noise again, his eyes avoiding mine - I turned out the light and closed his door.

I want him to say "goodnight mom, I love you." I want that.

My boy is going to be 8 in a couple of days. To some people that is really me it means i have about ten more years to help him learn to function in greet people, to spread peanut butter on his bread, to say to someone who is sick "is there something I can get you?" instead of "your crying noises are annoying." I feel as if I'm working against the clock. I try to take one day at a time...but each day...I'm still greeted with a blank stare...a word or two about what kind of food we will be consuming, and the amazingness of Pokemon.

I love my child. I want to know that he loves me.

Perhaps I'm not sad - maybe I'm just impatient. I know he needs me...I know I make his world turn. I just want him to say it. Maybe someday he will meet a girl who will say "you know my love, your mom is really nice. Whenever we meet someone that is really nice and they help us a whole lot and love us, we tell them we love them. Maybe next time you see her you can say "uh, mom? I love you."

Maybe he will meet that girl and she will help him. Maybe he will learn it from a book? I don't care. I just want to hear it someday.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 
― Brené BrownThe Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there Alyssa. I'm not sure why this is your road to travel, it isn't fair. Or just or kind... it just is. As a recent joiner of group therapy, I wonder if there is a parent group for autism that you could join? Knowing that I'm not alone is life changing.